Sunday, February 26, 2006

{{Mandatory Questionnaire!}}


Please be advised that Absurd Men Speak is being compelled into taking part on a world wide program to assist the U.N. in obtaining as much information as possible for its databases! Please review the privacy policy before submitting any information and please be sure that cookies are enabled on your browser at all times.
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**ADVERTISMENT**


THIS SERVICE IS PROVIDED BY THE ELECTRICICAL INTEROGATION COUNCIL
--Lighting up the furture, serving the State, coercing the enemy since 2006!--
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PRIVACY POLICY

1. All information obtained will only be shared with Nations that have signed General Assembly U.N. Resolution Number 2,488,999,000.09 entitled Resolution on Confirming Paranoia, companies that are signatories and participants of the International Compact on Intrusive Datamining for Undisclosed Governmental Programs, and Internet Search Engines whose servers are located in countries with Government speech "protection" programs such as China.

2. The information you provide will only be utilized if you (a) are groundlessly subject to anti-governmental investigation, (b) Seeking any job, (c) applying for credit (d) signing up with an internet pornography service as per the International Internet Porn Cooperation Datamining Experiment, (e) attempting to travel by any means, (f) applying for a marriage license, (g) applying for insurance of any kind, (f) are mistakenly identified as another individual fostering anti-government thoughts, (h) are appealing any order authorizing your torture, (i) in the event there is an arbitrary declaration of martial law, (j) someone is curious about you, (k) Etc.

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Please forward all replies to questionnaires to senorrumsfeld@junta.gov

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS IN THE AFFIRMATIVE, FAILURE TO DO SO IS A VIOLATION OF INTERNATIONAL LAW. ALL QUESTIONS MUST BE ANSWERED. WITHHOLDING OF INFORMATION DEEMED PERTINENT BY A THIRD PARTY AUTHORITY IS A FAILURE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION. FAILURE TO RESPOND WILL RESULT IN YOUR INVESTIGATION BY AGENCIES YOU ARE UNAWARE OF. ANY AND ALL VIOLATIONS ARE PUNISHABLE BY SUMMARY EXECUTIONS BY LOW LEVEL FIELD OFFICERS.

1. Are you deviant? Explain.
2. Do you have secrets? Elaborate.
3. Do you have sexual thoughts? Explain.
4. Do you dislike your government? Explain.
5. When was the last time you slept with my wife?
6. Do you need your fingers? How many are necessary to maintain your present income and taxation levels?
7. Have you ever stuck anything in your butt? What?

9. Do you consent to the disavowel of your religion and accept the authority of the State church?
10. Have you recently polished your Glorious Leader's photo? Which one?
11. If you were a snail would you prefer to be a slug? Why?
12. Is there anything of value contained within your body, including, but not limited to precious metals in your dental work? How are they most easily extracted?
13. Did you like question 8? Explain.

14. Do we have your permission to apply for and expend credit in your name? What is your SSN or Government ID number.
15. Would you be willing to assist in any manner deemed appropriate in an invasion of the middle east, including, but not limited to, the Kannonfodder Korps.
16. Are you willing to share all bodily fluids requested by authorized parties for research, analysis, or any other reason deemed necessary for The Hegemony, including, but not limited to all of your blood?
17. In the event of famine or any other reason deemed necessary by any authorized party are you willing to donate you, your spouse's or your children's bodies for food?
18. Are you willing to take an injection of serum with undisclosed contents?
19. Do you consent to the search of your home, office, computer, garage, neighborhood store, coffee shop, bar or library for any cause however unreasonable you find it?
20. Do you hope for the election of an uncontested Emperor who can fix your problems, provide the final solution, will consider our glorious global nation more important than the individuals who comprise it and will be chosen for you form a pool of rich Amerikans?

THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING TO OUR QUESTIONNAIRE. AS A SIGN OF OUR GRATITUDE YOU ARE REQUIRED TO OBTAIN A SUB-DERMAL MICROCHIP AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE FOR TRACKING PURPOSES. IT MAY ALSO BE USED FOR QUICK AND EASY PURCHASES AT WALMART, STARBUCKS, McDONALDS, GENERAL MOTORS, AS WELL AS INTERNET PURCHASES, PORNOGRAPHY PROVIDERS, AND MUCH , MUCH MORE!


ALL AFFIRMATIVE RESPONSES CREATE A KONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION, ENFORCEABLE UNDER LAWS YOU ARE NOT PRIVY TO REVIEW OR KNOW ABOUT. AT THE KOMPLETION OF YOUR SURVEY PLEASE GO TO THE KLINIC NEAREST YOU FOR NECESSARY IMPLANTATION AND A "PHYSICAL."

FOR THE KLINIC NEAREST YOU KLICK ON THE LINK BELOW! THANK YOU.

www.MendalaKlinc/foryourowngood.org

(If the link doesn't work, just wait where you are a moment! Someone will be over to deal with you shortly! It in no way means you will be liquidated! Thank you!)

READ THE FOLLOWING:
You are now considered property of the Global Hegemony. Thank you to your service to the State. Officers will be by shortly to ensure your compliance. You are required to liquidate all surplus-subsistence assets to the State. An investigator will contact you shortly to interview you regarding your file. Place all dangerous instruments in properly designated drop boxes immediately. You are now enrolled in the mandatory Gaius G.'s Spelling Skool. You are required to apply for a new drivers license. Surplus-subsidence travel is hereby prohibited. Enjoy your life, you are no longer required to think. Thinking is monitored by secret police at all times. Be sure to comport with proper ideology always. If you wish to think please pick up a citizenship application at your local post office. You are now required to have your dominant eye removed. You must cooperate. Trust us, you don't want to screw up. We will go after your loved ones first. Thank you!


2 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Should our readers be aware that Gaius stands at a towering 4 ft. 8 in.?

I get the eerie feeling that someone will actually answer question 14, and that some how large sums of money will get transfered into our accounts. This of course will raise flags and everyone involved with this site will get carted away except Gaius.

Any takers?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 11:25:00 PM  
Blogger Gaius Germanicus said...

SSN 000-000-000, DOB 4/1/0006

Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:08:00 AM  

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