Thursday, February 23, 2006

Nation Building and American Waistlines

As seen in our recent misadventures in Iraq--leading to the deaths of thousands of people and many good young Brits and Americans, as well as countless children, it becomes apparent that we westerners just aren't that good fighting a guerilla war. From Che, to Ho-Chi Min, to Almahed al whatever we are getting our butts kicked. If what we want is world wide dominance our military technology isn't going to get it done.

I have just finished reading Starship Troopers, by Hienlen. Its a good read, and much better than the movie (although it lacks Dina Meyers gratuitous boobie shots). It is the only sci-fi book that is on all US service branches' reading list. In a way it is a good propaganda piece on the values of militarism, yet it shows how to fight a war from a real soldiers point of view. The book points out that we could simply nuke everyone, but it's is up to the grunts to take the place. Sometimes nuking a place is overkill and doesn't suit objectives either.

Enter the modern era of war. We don't fight to win. Period. We fight for vague goals that do not involve actually winning. Look at this conflict and Vietnam. Though they aren't exactly analogous, the primary feature of both is as they developed the goal became saving themselves from themselves. In the classic Full Metal Jacket line "We fight because inside every gouk there is an American dying to get out."

We are afraid of the results of all out war. (With modern weapons war in the modern era is genocide--therefore don't start oine unless you really have to folks--you can't win any other way, you must absolutly crush the enemy until the few that are left choose to join you rather than face extinction.) We don't want to firebomb Dresden anymore, we can't nuke Hiroshima, we can't burn Atlanta. Every boxer goes into the ring seeking to do one thing: annihilate the enemy. You forget that for one instant and you are on the mat. But modern war theory is not to do that, it's to save the other boxer from hitting himself. Contrast this war with Desert Storm. We had a clearly defined objective and we used overwhelming force (exterminating everyone who invaded Kuwait) and then we left. Not so here. We have taken a country with too few men and the unwillingness to stomp on everyone. Call me simplistic, but we were able to make Germany and Japan peaceful democracies be cause we stomped them so thoroughly. The South returned to the US because they could no longer feed themselves any other way (they still resent it and repay us by electing buffoons, albeit) but we are still a country. War is ruthless, it must be conducted ruthlessly. In essence, we have gone soft (same as the Romans). A country that gets soft gets fat and lazy and eventually dies of heart failure.

So seeing how our democracy is not suited to fight a war for our interests (namely world dominance according to the Prez.) I suggest using what we are actually good at and quite capable of doing without the guilt that bombing whole cities into dust and then killing anyone who so much as lifts a stick at you afterwards. I advise eating our way to victory.

If we consume the whole earths supply of food, leaving none for anyone else we can win what we covet. Anyone who disagrees with us is denied food. Anyone who backs us gets free freedom fries, as much as they can eat! Those who defy us starve. We can still send a nickel a day for some poor starving child, but only if that child pledges allegiance to the cause. Once we have cornered the world food market we can win once and for all.

But you say "can't anyone grow a potato." That would be part of the program too. Since us westerners don't need real food we can decimate the ability to grow anything non-processed. Americans can survive on cheeseburgers, spam and velveta. Good wholesome processed food. Once that's the only food left we can control who gets it.

Simple as that. A fat man has no conscience when there is another Big-Mac to consume.


Blogger Epictetus said...

Bravo! Like modern day Jonathan Swifts our "absurd" ideas should be grounded firmly in logic before we take it to the next level.

One could argue that America is in many ways already consuming its way towards world domination. It is now almost a completely service/retail economy. America doesn't produce much anymore. But when there are so many other developing nations with similar aspirations what is to come of it all?

Friday, February 24, 2006 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Gaius Germanicus said...

Chow Down brother!

Friday, February 24, 2006 2:30:00 PM  
Blogger Erasmus said...

As long as we keep exporting American fast food chains we won't have anything to worry about either. All of our enemies will become overweight, produce overweight children, and be too lethargic to be of any threat.

Friday, February 24, 2006 8:07:00 PM  
Blogger Epictetus said...

Case in point, the UK...the fattest country in Europe and second to the US worldwide. And then there's Scotland...home of the deep fried Mars bar. Enough said.

Sunday, February 26, 2006 9:46:00 AM  

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