Saturday, February 04, 2006

Why God Designed Monkeys

Monkeys were made to mock us. After all God is an angry God full of malevolence and humor. After all we were made in his image. Thus God must share our traits. So why isn't God evil like us--because we're sinners, and we choose to sin; why, because it is fun. God does not approve of fun; only jokes, and he is the only one allowed to laugh at them.

Monkeys were made to make us think we evolved from them. In fact, it is likely that it is the monkeys that will inherit the earth. Planet of the Apes was not a movie, it was prophecy. The monkeys will not evolve. Rather, God will go back into his species editor and make them look like men with prosthesis ape faces. After all, we all know God loves hair. Evil men become bald and are forced to wear fake hair to hide their sins. That was why Sinead O'Connor shaved her hair--there could be no greater apostasy. Martin Luther King was not balding--God hid his hair from us, hair which only true believers could see. This is a little known fact. In fact he has an afro in heaven, I have seen it in a vision. God loves hair, which is why Jesus and Peter and Paul had so much hair (Its a sin to shave your privy parts, you know), but he does not like red heads. Judas and Mary Magdaline were red heads, which is why Judas is in hell and Mary was erased from the historical record, and is probably in hell too for seducing his Son. We all know that The da Vinci Code is really the lost Gospel after all-- Dave Brown plagarized it from the hidden Dead Sea Scroll that the Pope had framed and put in his papal bedroom--which is why no-is one allowed in there.

But back to the monkey. Is it not truly the monkey that is blessed? Search your heart and you will see that it is true.


Blogger Dave said...

Wasn't Judas also balding? Yeah, I seem to remember seeing painting of him with a receding hairline.

Sunday, February 05, 2006 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger Erasmus said...

If God had not made monkeys then we would never have had phrases like, "I'll be a monkey's uncle," or "More laughs than a barell of monkeys." Just think how much poorer we would be without such axioms.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 8:46:00 AM  

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