Sunday, February 05, 2006

Why I am Mad at the Vikings

Because they lost.

Look at the post on smoking bans on this blog. If the Vikings had won, we wouldn't have smoking bans, we wouldn't have overpriced health care, we wouldn't sit in coffee shops and wonder what life was about, the red states would be virtually unpopulated, except along the Mississippi (which misses the larger point THERE WOULDN'T BE RED STATES), the blue states wouldn't exist either (who has time to blather about social policy and not do anything about it when there is pillaging to do?). Even if the red states existed, the blue states would get off their ass and invade them or vice-versa. There would be no atomic bomb or nuclear proliferation problems--who needs a cowardly bomb when you've got a sword, shield and axes--and who would be sober enough to invent it? English girls would be sexier if the the Danes had stayed longer (not to say they aren't, its just that the whole world would be sexier if the Danes, Sverds, and Norsemen had hung out a little longer rather than leaving a few bastards behind. Ireland woudn't be divided. The One-Hundred Years war wouldn't have happened. What could you do with a hundred years if you got it back? Pillage and drink more I guess. It would be perpetual war, the honorable, grisly kind that sounds so much better in songs than we might care to invent now (The Ballad of the Daisy Cutter, Ode to Napalm, the epic entitled Tales of a Tomahawk Cruise Missile). In the end there wouldn't be "nationalism" so you would have a real reason to fight-- you're village is too small to cheat on your wife and because everyone was too drunk to invent birth control, five of your twelve kids that lived need food. I admit, we would only live to 35, which means I would only have, like, seven more years to go, but then I wouldn't have spent the last seven years being a man of abstract ideals (they don't last long in sword fights or mead hall brawls) buried up to my ass in books, learning crap that ends up having to be worked out here in some bizarre form of self psychotherapy (that is what a blog boils down to isn't it--an extension of our self absorption, no matter how journalistic or other centered it is--the blog is rife with the ego (so I might as well have a big one.) We would be worshiping real gods, or at least really cool ones. Granted at some time the cult of Christianity and the Muslims would be a problem, but once you off them there is only Asia left, and really, they don't have religions, just philosophies (I know some of you want to quibble about Buddhism and Shinto being religions, but lets face it there isn't a religion unless there is at least one guy with a beard and Siddartha liked shaving), unless your Hindu, that's a cool religion. But then, we all would have been better off if we had just stuck with what we knew, the old gods-- you know, the ones that gave us fire and showed us how to hunt, told us what the stars were and how to sow grain, occasionally slept with their siblings, ate their children, plucked out their own their eye for a tree branch, stole rings of power or demanded a sacrifice or two. It all seems to make so much more sense. Think of Occam's razor--the simplest explanation is the correct one, and believe me one God dived into three isn't that simple. (incidentally, I think I am going to join a parish today, I heard the advertising in the bulletin is cheap).

Wow, that was one long paragraph. So anyway, you can't smoke because the Vikings lost. Why, because people like my nom de plume always win. That's right, Totalitarianism always wins over Anarchy. Disciplined troops always destroy beserkers. Order creates a marketplace--which makes money (which is a really fascinating fake invention, but that's another topic), which you can spend on better weapons to kill your enemies while encouraging your citizens to be sober, healthy, and efficient producers of products that make you more healthy so you can produce weapons longer. The Danes lost to the Saxons because Alfred got things organized a little, while the Danes were being well, Danes. The problem was that the kingdoms that beat the people like the Danes eventually started to implode a la the Roman Empire, so they decided to try something the Greeks tried called democracy to keep it all afloat, ergo the magna carta. It was a compromise that allowed for a facade of the old days when there was freedom. But lets face, it Marx was right--democracy was a stepping stone (I think he got democracy and capitalism confused really)--and that government necessarily would have to coalesce its power. We defeated the commies but lets face it we have a truly invasive government- from smoking to sex. And I am not just talking about the US. Fear not--there is hope on the horizon, all governments fail, all empires crumble and if you read Gibbon (which I haven't, I got this from a reliable source; and who has time for Gibbon, I need to make money to buy things, so that I can be taxed, so my government can occupy Iraq) were on our way. The only scary thing is, we might not just go back to living in thatch huts; this time when "Rome" is sacked it could be because of catastrophic climate change or thermo-nuclear holocaust.

If only the Vikings had won.

6 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

You left out the best part of Vikings... berserkers. That was a job back then. I wonder what the employment lines for that looked like.

Sunday, February 05, 2006 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger Gaius Germanicus said...

Of course there there. Second Paragraph, 5th sentence. You illiterate lout (both traits Vikings were fond of, and thus my highest compliment).

Incidently Viking is a verb. It means to go raiding. Several peoples were involved in Vinkinging, but that's an ugly word. I coud have titled it Why I am Mad at the Northmen--but who would have read that, unless you were some 9th c. Northumbrian blogger.

Monday, February 06, 2006 7:33:00 PM  
Blogger Erasmus said...

If the vikings were still around do you think the Danish embasy in Lebanon would have been torched by the Muslims? I don't think so. Yes, the Danes have gotten soft resorting to cartoons to make their politcal statements. A ship with a large dragon head on the bow and full of bearded axe wielding men is a much stronger statement.

But alas, Gaius, it is the way of all nomadic people to eventually settle. It is inherent to the human person to live an ordered life since God Himself is an ordered community of person's (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit).

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Dave said...

It's ironic that someone with so many spelling and grammer mistakes on his posts throws around "illiterate lout" so generously.

As a service to our readers I actually corrected some spelling mistakes you made recently. Don't worry I won't tell anyone.

Oops.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006 1:13:00 PM  
Blogger Gaius Germanicus said...

He who is a God can spell however he chooses. Spelling is early indoctrination into the slave morality. Misspeling is the easiest way to take your first step towards the ubermench.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 5:22:00 PM  
Blogger Gaius Germanicus said...

Thats gibberish Erasmus. Christianity lead to the downfall of all great kingdoms subject to it. Rome was co-opted and look what happend-read Gibbons (thats right I haven't, anyway)The de-paganizing of the Norsemen lead to thier eventual capitulation. They abandoned thier gods, and in turn they abandoned them.

What the world needs now is a Neo-Viking.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 5:26:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home