Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Perfect Solution

A lot has been said about how our military is under-supplied in Iraq. Many soldiers have gone into battle without proper equipment. As a result they suffer casualties needlessly. Congress has voted to spend the proper amounts of money to get our boys and girls the things they need, but it feels a lot like too little too late.

There was, of course, a better and faster way to get them this equipment. It is a solution that could have had everyone protected on the first day of the war. We should have sent New York City Street vendors in before we rolled into Baghdad.

Any one who has visited New York City on a nice day will have noticed the hundreds of Street vendors who sell sunglasses on the sidewalks. If that nice day suddenly turns to rain, the sunglasses quickly disappear and umbrellas come out for sale in their place. The speed of this switch has been studied by physicists around the world in the hopes that a grand unifying theory might be found, or at the very least a discovery of wormholes in Manhattan.

It is commonly believed that these individuals, "Urban Supply Experts" (USE's), are able to find necessary items and have the ability to distribute them cheaply and quickly. A small group of people will point out that the quality of their product is in question. Rest assured, the Rolex Flak Jacket is 100% Rolex Flak Jacket guts. Guaranteed. Besides even if the quality isn't top of the line, it'd be better quality than what Congress sent them in with.

A second concern may be brought up by nay sayers. What about USE's safety? This shouldn't bother any one at all. The insurgents have more to fear of the USE's than vice versa. Besides USE's are quite adept at counter espionage. At the first sign of trouble USE's rapidly disperse and disappear, camouflaged by their surroundings. They truly are the chameleons of the commerce world. USE's are also highly trained in negotiation. Those captured should be able to extricate themselves from their predicament by offering "before you can see it DVD's and bootleg CD's."

If this program is implemented perhaps it could be expanded in the future. It include early release of American prisoners who have a "knack for getting things." Who wouldn't like to see Morgan Freeman's character "Red" from Shawshank Redemption freed so he could help save lives in today's wars?

My friends, the situation is dire. The solution is in our hands. We just need courageous Representatives willing to use all of America's assets to save lives. Write to them today! Please do not mention The Absurd Men.


Blogger Dan said...

dude, that was pretty darn funny...
- Dan

Friday, June 24, 2005 2:29:00 PM  

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