Monday, February 27, 2006

I Predict a Riot

Sometimes you can just tell when there's gonna be trouble. It could be something subjective like a gut feeling or a whiff of it in the air. Maybe there's a full moon out and a bunch of hicks are getting drunk at the table next to you. The shit's gonna hit the fan you might think.

Or maybe a group of Protestant Loyalists from Northern Ireland are planning to march through the centre of Dublin, past the GPO and the Dáil, waving Union Jacks and playing Orange Order tunes. Yep, Hoss, there's gonna be some bother.

Sufice to say the parade didn't even make it to O'Connell Street and the GPO (main site of the 1916 Easter Rising) and it's amazing that more weren't hurt or that nobody was killed. How can I put this into context for someone from the US? Imagine a group of Canadians marching through Washington and the White House to commemorate the 1812 sacking and burning of the city by the British and Canadian forces. But as Gaius pointed out, no one remembers or cares much about the War of 1812. I would dare to say that the majority of Americans wouldn't even believe that a foriegn army burned Washington anyway, much less get worked up about a parade of Canadians marching through the city. A more accurate comparison of Saturday's events would be more like the KKK marching through Harlem to celebrate their contribution to African-American history.

Rioting is part of the culture on the island of Ireland, especially in Northern Ireland. Sometimes it doesn't take much to start one. I've seen kids as young as 10 throw stones at a fire truck trying to deal with a blaze in a housing estate for no other reason than the fact that it was a government vehicle. I've found that there can be a surprising lack of political motivation. Ask young people about Connolly, Pearse, DeVelera & Co. or the Easter Rising and they'll shrug. But you can be damned sure that they'll be waiting when a parade come to town.

Recreational rioting they're calling it now-a-days. My solution: create local "Riot Centres" where people from all walks of life -young and old, Protestant and Catholic, male and female- can come to enjoy a good ol' stone throwing or petrol/paint bombing.

Stuffed PSNI officers will be at the ready as well as effigies of our most hated politicians (Bush, Blair, Adams, Paisely) or bring in your own local rep. to burn, desicrate or otherwise tarnish. Paintballing could be offered as well. The sky's the limit with this one folks. And maybe while everyone's down at their local Riot Centre the Orangemen, IRA, UDA, gays and lesbians and even the Loyal Order of the War of 1812 (Canadian chapter) can fianlly march around the empty streets in peace.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

{{Mandatory Questionnaire!}}

Please be advised that Absurd Men Speak is being compelled into taking part on a world wide program to assist the U.N. in obtaining as much information as possible for its databases! Please review the privacy policy before submitting any information and please be sure that cookies are enabled on your browser at all times.

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Please forward all replies to questionnaires to


1. Are you deviant? Explain.
2. Do you have secrets? Elaborate.
3. Do you have sexual thoughts? Explain.
4. Do you dislike your government? Explain.
5. When was the last time you slept with my wife?
6. Do you need your fingers? How many are necessary to maintain your present income and taxation levels?
7. Have you ever stuck anything in your butt? What?

9. Do you consent to the disavowel of your religion and accept the authority of the State church?
10. Have you recently polished your Glorious Leader's photo? Which one?
11. If you were a snail would you prefer to be a slug? Why?
12. Is there anything of value contained within your body, including, but not limited to precious metals in your dental work? How are they most easily extracted?
13. Did you like question 8? Explain.

14. Do we have your permission to apply for and expend credit in your name? What is your SSN or Government ID number.
15. Would you be willing to assist in any manner deemed appropriate in an invasion of the middle east, including, but not limited to, the Kannonfodder Korps.
16. Are you willing to share all bodily fluids requested by authorized parties for research, analysis, or any other reason deemed necessary for The Hegemony, including, but not limited to all of your blood?
17. In the event of famine or any other reason deemed necessary by any authorized party are you willing to donate you, your spouse's or your children's bodies for food?
18. Are you willing to take an injection of serum with undisclosed contents?
19. Do you consent to the search of your home, office, computer, garage, neighborhood store, coffee shop, bar or library for any cause however unreasonable you find it?
20. Do you hope for the election of an uncontested Emperor who can fix your problems, provide the final solution, will consider our glorious global nation more important than the individuals who comprise it and will be chosen for you form a pool of rich Amerikans?





(If the link doesn't work, just wait where you are a moment! Someone will be over to deal with you shortly! It in no way means you will be liquidated! Thank you!)

You are now considered property of the Global Hegemony. Thank you to your service to the State. Officers will be by shortly to ensure your compliance. You are required to liquidate all surplus-subsistence assets to the State. An investigator will contact you shortly to interview you regarding your file. Place all dangerous instruments in properly designated drop boxes immediately. You are now enrolled in the mandatory Gaius G.'s Spelling Skool. You are required to apply for a new drivers license. Surplus-subsidence travel is hereby prohibited. Enjoy your life, you are no longer required to think. Thinking is monitored by secret police at all times. Be sure to comport with proper ideology always. If you wish to think please pick up a citizenship application at your local post office. You are now required to have your dominant eye removed. You must cooperate. Trust us, you don't want to screw up. We will go after your loved ones first. Thank you!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Syphilis in Space

The time has come to abandon Earth. We have consumed what there is here and now the bitch is starting to fight back. If we intend to survive we have to start destroying other places.

In light of this we must look at our military resources. Sure, powered armor, missile destroying lasers and ceramic armored vehicles will be a reality in the next fifty years but they won't do us a lick of good when facing the unknown.

What is known is that the mathematical probability of life on other planets is extrodinarily high. All of that life threatens us. From microbe to advanced civilization. The microbes will make us sick and the civilizations will not like us barging in. The theory of an advanced peaceful race is absurd. No amount of technology and abundance of resources can make a living thing peaceful. Why? Because life forms that don't have those benefits come in and take them from the peaceful morons who didn't think enough to protect them. That is a fact of nature and has been played out countless times on earth.

Guns, Germs and Steel, and excellent book, shows why certain peoples have prospered while others died out. It comes down to resources and the innovation that is allowed by an excess of resources. It points out the problem with Daniel Quinn's model that we would all be better off as hunter gatherers. Hunter gatherers are trumped by biology itself. They die from disease that grows in densely populated areas and are conquered by those that value innovation. It is a sad natural law. Peace only breeds weakness in the face of those who must compete to survive.

Extrapolate this to space. We must either expand and consume what we find, evolve and grow technologically or someone is going to come and take it all away from us, if we survive that long. The reason for this necessity is that as populations rise there is a need to expand. We can only build so many densely populated areas before turning the planet against us--we already have. No-one is going to like cockroach synthesized protein instead of beef for example, which is where we are headed.

So here's the plan:
1. Locate possible life supporting planets as soon as possible.
2. Develop technologies to sustain us on less hospitable worlds.
3. Proceed to colonize aggressively--even if that means sending ships that will take generations to arrive.
4. Import our best weapon against all other forms of life--the germs that have been created by us through millenniums of contact with us and that no other planet has immunity to.

This last factor is the most important. I suggest bombarding all known planets and moons that are non-gaseous with a cocktail of our microbes prior to human advance. We should find and culture the most hearty of bacteria and viruses (ones that don't need oxygen, or thrive on methane for example) as well as our trusted friends like influenza and the common cold. We must syphilize space. Just like the Europeans did to the Americas. We are going to face attrition from their diseases, we should repay them. And like any invasive species, an introduced one sometimes wipes out what's already there. Sure, there could be useful flora and fauna out there, but if its spores will kills us, or if it sneezes we become ill, what choice do we have. We don't have a million years to adapt. We could try, but that would be hearkening back to the days of the plague and whole colonies could be wiped out before they had a chance.

They are going to catch a cold from us anyway, why delay a tactical necessity.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Nation Building and American Waistlines

As seen in our recent misadventures in Iraq--leading to the deaths of thousands of people and many good young Brits and Americans, as well as countless children, it becomes apparent that we westerners just aren't that good fighting a guerilla war. From Che, to Ho-Chi Min, to Almahed al whatever we are getting our butts kicked. If what we want is world wide dominance our military technology isn't going to get it done.

I have just finished reading Starship Troopers, by Hienlen. Its a good read, and much better than the movie (although it lacks Dina Meyers gratuitous boobie shots). It is the only sci-fi book that is on all US service branches' reading list. In a way it is a good propaganda piece on the values of militarism, yet it shows how to fight a war from a real soldiers point of view. The book points out that we could simply nuke everyone, but it's is up to the grunts to take the place. Sometimes nuking a place is overkill and doesn't suit objectives either.

Enter the modern era of war. We don't fight to win. Period. We fight for vague goals that do not involve actually winning. Look at this conflict and Vietnam. Though they aren't exactly analogous, the primary feature of both is as they developed the goal became saving themselves from themselves. In the classic Full Metal Jacket line "We fight because inside every gouk there is an American dying to get out."

We are afraid of the results of all out war. (With modern weapons war in the modern era is genocide--therefore don't start oine unless you really have to folks--you can't win any other way, you must absolutly crush the enemy until the few that are left choose to join you rather than face extinction.) We don't want to firebomb Dresden anymore, we can't nuke Hiroshima, we can't burn Atlanta. Every boxer goes into the ring seeking to do one thing: annihilate the enemy. You forget that for one instant and you are on the mat. But modern war theory is not to do that, it's to save the other boxer from hitting himself. Contrast this war with Desert Storm. We had a clearly defined objective and we used overwhelming force (exterminating everyone who invaded Kuwait) and then we left. Not so here. We have taken a country with too few men and the unwillingness to stomp on everyone. Call me simplistic, but we were able to make Germany and Japan peaceful democracies be cause we stomped them so thoroughly. The South returned to the US because they could no longer feed themselves any other way (they still resent it and repay us by electing buffoons, albeit) but we are still a country. War is ruthless, it must be conducted ruthlessly. In essence, we have gone soft (same as the Romans). A country that gets soft gets fat and lazy and eventually dies of heart failure.

So seeing how our democracy is not suited to fight a war for our interests (namely world dominance according to the Prez.) I suggest using what we are actually good at and quite capable of doing without the guilt that bombing whole cities into dust and then killing anyone who so much as lifts a stick at you afterwards. I advise eating our way to victory.

If we consume the whole earths supply of food, leaving none for anyone else we can win what we covet. Anyone who disagrees with us is denied food. Anyone who backs us gets free freedom fries, as much as they can eat! Those who defy us starve. We can still send a nickel a day for some poor starving child, but only if that child pledges allegiance to the cause. Once we have cornered the world food market we can win once and for all.

But you say "can't anyone grow a potato." That would be part of the program too. Since us westerners don't need real food we can decimate the ability to grow anything non-processed. Americans can survive on cheeseburgers, spam and velveta. Good wholesome processed food. Once that's the only food left we can control who gets it.

Simple as that. A fat man has no conscience when there is another Big-Mac to consume.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Epictetus Posted by Picasa

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Need for Enemies at the Olympics

Of late I have been busy watching the winter olympics, but they just don't seem to have the same drama any more. Upon further reflection I realized that since the Cold War ended there just isn't the same vested interest in seeing your nation win. Since the Cold War never became a hot war it was an event like the olympics that took the place of winning battles. What greater thrill was there than to see a Western nation beat a Communist nation? Now what do we hope for... to beat some little Baltic nation that has an economy smaller than New York City? It's just not the same.

My proposal to bring some excitement back to the Olympics and to boost nationalistic sentiments is to allow non-nations to participate in the Olympics. By this I mean allow certain factions that operate on an international level to compete. Can you picture the IRA vs. Great Britain soccer match? Israel vs. Hamaas basketball game? Or the USA vs. Al Q'aida in hockey? Now that would make the the 1980 Miracle on Ice seem like pee wee hockey at the local civic center.

I do hope someone from the International Olympic Committee reads this blog because this idea will breath some much needed new life into the Olympic Games.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Plattsburgh, New York--Most Mysterious Town on Earth?

I have been recently doing some investigating into a town in Northern New York that I have had the opportunity to get to know. Or at least I thought I did. This raises the question of how much we can know about the towns we visit, live in and occupy metaphysically. I choose Plattsburgh as a study town because of logistical reasons, including my extensive research and reconnaissance assets in the area and because it shows up on the internet with suppressing regularity for a marginal town in the middle of no-where. That, and I have an east coast bias. In addition, too much has been written about Area 51, I hope to break new ground.

Here is a summary of what me and my crack staff of researchers have discovered about a town that few people know about.
1. It was the site of the most important Battle on American Soil post-revolutionary war. The Battle of Plattsburgh turned the tide of the War of 1812. It occurred on September 11, 1814. It was the most understated and unacknowldged of Battles, because Commodore Perry defeated the British on the Great Lakes only a few days later. As always Plattsburgh gets overlooked--which as I shall uncover is part of the Grand Plan.
2. Plattsburgh is the home of several hauntings. Most of them center around the military installation there. Ghosts roam the military cemetery, haunt the old barracks (which is on the national historical register but is mysteriously not occupied or even taken care of now), had a hospital in the old base operations basement where the walls are still painted red to hide the blood, had a crematory near the cemetery with the address of building 666, which investigators have been unable to find, believing it destroyed for unknown or classified reasons, has an abandoned hospital that often has lights on within and is guarded by soldiers from the war of 1812 at its ancient guardposts.
3. Plattsburgh Industrial district is well hidden and on streets that are rarely if ever used. Most people in Plattsburgh don't even know what industries are currently present or what they do. Places like Wall Street and Main Mill Road are almost deserted, yet there are tenants in most of the old mills. It is difficult to ascertain what they do. Bombardier is the largest tenant, yet most in Plattsburgh don't even know how to get there. Additionally, a huge building owned by Falcon Seaboard operates there but my sources have never met anyone who works at the giant plant, which is surprising given the fact that the population is only 20,000 people.
4. There is a lost bridge, still standing on Saranac St., crossing the Saranac River, why it is not used or brought up to code is a mystery considering that there can never be enough bridges in a river town. My researchers propose that is left unused because it is directly behind a Army Reserve installation.
5. The air base had 12 Atlas-F missile silos. I was able to obtain GPS coordinates from a Russian Blog, but not having a GPS my staff has been unable to locate most of them, although many can be located due to local knowledge and analyzing local surveyors maps for land transactions--I am sure the Soviets were able to use the same information, such as County Tax maps to find them (so much for secrecy--they are public documents), but what I do wonder is how some Russian blogger was able to find them, along with apparently every other silo in America--its quite a long list. I don't read Russian so I was unable to glean much from the site. Perhaps Dave can help, I'll get his crack research unit on it as soon as possible. (incidentally, Russia, as a word, stems from the word Rus--which means "rower, " and comes from the Scandinavian Vikings--Russia's country name is Swedish--go figure) *
6. The base was home to 112 spider-goats for several years in the early otts, this millennium. These goats were genetically engineered to produce spider silk for silk-steel. The goats were slaughtered in 2003. The base was closed for over 6 years at the time and the goats we held in weapons bunkers. This is well documented by the unimpeachable Plattsburgh Press-Republican. News of the Spider-Goats got worldwide attention including an article in Forbes Magazine. The goats were euthanized due to "profitability problems." But one has to wonder if something went terribly wrong, forcing the destruction of the Company's newest profit source. Nexia, the corporation in charge of the program said they had come up with a better genetically modified goat and were facing high economic losses, yet the US military was exceedingly interested in using bio-steel for armor--the Pentagon surely wouldn't have let the program fail. Nexia supposedly ended operations in 2003. My staff believes that the operation may still be going on in Plattsburgh at an undisclosed area for security reasons. As it was the goats were kept in a highly secure site, including a weapons bunker which at this time can not be located.
7. During the Cold War Plattsburgh was a B-47 and B-52 launching site with numerous nuclear weapons (though my military sources refused to confirm this, it only makes sense), it was reportedly high on the Soviets target list. The base has one of the longest runways in the U.S. and was one of the few places the Space Shuttle could land in the Country and the only one in the North East. The reasoning behind the long runway was to accommodate heavy bombers. Yet, the Air Force had strips that could handle B-52 at shorter legnths just as well. Why such a long runway? It was built in 1956, long before the Space Shuttle was even conceived. Nothing in our public arsenal even today needs so much concrete. In 1994 it was shut down. The reasoning for the shutdown by the government was that it was no longer needed in the absence of a cold war threat. Yet my researchers have discovered that it may have been shut down, not because its value had diminished, but rather that its value was going to increase expodentially, and couldn't afford to be on anyone's strike list.**
8. Plattsburgh was a main rout for military deployment for the planed 1935 invasion of Canada. The entire invasion plan is now declassified and points to the invasion of the Ottawa area as well as seizure of key Canadian cites, especially Montreal, Quebec City and Halifax. The Plan seemingly was to place Quebec City in a pincer movement between land and sea forces by sweeping up the St. Lawrence and down from Halifax, cutting off the eastern Canadian Provences, and crushing the industrial center of Canada around Ottawa. In 1935 the largest war games ever were commenced with 36,000 American Troops participating in war games simulating the invasion of Canada near Buffalo, NY. That such an extensive plan existed is not surprising, that such a plan no longer exists would be even more suprising.
9. Several independent researchers have determined that Plattsburgh--and here is where everything starts to make sense--is the site of a top secret deep underground military base (DUMB)--a fitting acronym. It is also claimed to be a "saucer-base", housing aliens whom we have treaties with. By analyzing smog and electromagnetic radiation they have concluded that it is at least 18 stories deep. They have also shown that it is feasible. While no dirt has recently been shipped out, a great deal of it was in the summers leading up to 1994 and shortly thereafter. This was "contaminated dirt" from military pollutants. Yet the amount of dirt shipped is unknown, was done primarily by rail and to the best of my knowledge was done under the auspices of the Department of Defense. Additionally, technology has existed since the 1960's for a nuclear tipped boring device. The bore melts the rock, creating a glass tube that needs little to no internal support. The device was patented and the patent can be looked up. The initial use was to be for the creation of public transportation corridors, including a super high speed train from NY to LA. Yet, the technology mysteriously never surfaced (no pun intended) in the public sector. My ground team has searched high an low for an entrance, has seen no mysterious traffic at any time of day or night, and is unable to report at this time of anything conclusive. Yet, several factors militate in favor of this base. The base could be completely self sustaining, with goats and hydropnics, much like a moon base (which we don't have either supposedly). The smog levels in the area are some of the highest in the state despite being in or around the largest state park in the country. Weather patterns seem to be altered around Plattsburgh, producing an unusual amount of cloud cover as compared to Burlington, VT across the lake. There was no logical reason for the shut down of the facility. By filling the surface with commercial and residential space it masks the real goings on underground. Witley Striber, author of the book "Communion" lived in an location in upstate NY when he was abducted. Additionally there have been numerous sightings in and around the Clinton County area. And here is the real clincher. Eric Harris, of Columbine shooting infamy, spent time in Plattsburgh growing up. A doctor from Montreal had auxiliary programs in Plattsburgh that dealt with mind control and LSD beginning in the 1960's, dubbed MK-ULTRA. That operation allegedly continued at Plattsburgh until 1996 at least. It was tied into Stewart and Montauk AFB. In fact there may be a tube tunnel that connects Plattsburgh and Stewart. Eric's father was Air Force and he didn't leave the area until the 1997, two years after the base was "closed," when they moved to Colorado. One of the side affects of the doctors experiments was uncontrollable rage and psychotic behavior. The shootings at Columbine can be traced the experiments on Eric in the DUMB base. **

All of this can be verified by spending some time with google and Blogspots own search engine.

There you have it, just a scrapping on the surface of the most Mysterious Town on Earth: Plattsburgh.

*Research since the original posting of this article has shown that they can be located and the town in which they are located on American web site on Atlas rockets. There are satellite photos as well available online.
**There is and has been since the Base realignment committee began in 1990 as to the capabilities of Loring AFB in Limestone, MA and Plattsburgh AFB. I have visited both sites and both seem capable of the mission in my lay persons opinion. Loring contends that they had greater weapons and fuel storage capacity as well as two available runways. This leads me to believe that Loring was in fact perhaps the preeminent AFB on the North-East area for deployment of bombers. However this only shows that while Loring was a strike base, Plattsburgh's role may have been different, with the SAC capabilities masking more clandestine activities.
***Investigation has shown that German bases built during WWII had vast underground tunnel systems that connected towns, and were intended as transportation links for rail and mechanized units. That the Germans had begun this and that we have not in the last 60 years seems absurd. Additionally, interviews with local residents of the Plattsburgh area have confirmed that Eric Harris's parents were separated, with the older brother living with his mother and disliking his father. Eric, however, remained in the custody of his father up until the time of the shootings.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ass-toot Blogger

I took some time off to re-evaluate may position on the web. I had to take some time to get some perspective after I got a little carried away with another blogger on his site.

To help generate interest in our site I would often visit random sites, make a comment and see how many people wanted to see what we were doing. Most of the time it worked out great. People even felt like leaving messages of their own.

Then I found Astute Blogger. It has a nice look to it, it's stream lined and the guy that runs it has a lot of opinions about a lot of things. He also does a fair amount of research. In a given day he might post several times. He also responds quickly to others comments.

He does have a right bend to his political views, which is fine. I did find some of his arguments a little absurd though. Absurd arguments are what I specialize in, and I have a soft spot in my heart for them. In fact I love to comment on them almost more than I like to come up with them.

So I threw in a couple comments about the wire tapping issue. As I've said, he replied quickly. Then he started posting things about attacking Iran. A few comments in and he suggested that attacking them with a handful of missiles would put them in their place.

I should have stopped there and let it go. Because he didn't site any sources I commented that his premise was ridiculous, unfounded and a little insulting. Then I gave a statement that was equally so by saying he masturbated while reading Guns and Ammo. I added that the statement was untrue and unfounded, but that was the idea. In blogs you can say anything as if it were true and if you don't preface it by saying it's a lie... well you get the idea.

He didn't post my comment which kind of hurt my pride. Not only was it a great example, in my opinion, it was really funny too. We went back and forth for a while. He said he didn't post my comment because it was insulting... granted. Of course then he insulted liberals and intellectuals, assuming I was either or both. I have never claimed those ideals, but it showed me where this guy was. People who disagreed with his ideas were obviously bitter enemies.

A quick aside, other commenters thought my comments were made by a fake liberal. I have no idea what that means.

I suggested that the blog be renamed "A Stooge Blogging: Providing a Smoke Screen of the Bush White House." He didn't post that comment either.

Then I took a step back and thought about it. The best name would be Ass-toot Blogger, sense his ideas were little more than butt gas let out over the vastness of the Web.

I realized at this point that all blogs could be named Ass-toot Blogger.

After emailing Erasmus it was agreed that I would sit out for a bit and cool off. Let other people fart a little on our blog before I got back in the game. The whole thing reinforced my Theory of the Absurd and gave me a new appreciation for why a lot of people never back down from their arguments. Then I farted.

If you're really interested in finding the exchange you can go here.

I really don't remember the dates but it was some time in January.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Would you like to make a donation...

Recently in an attempt to pump more tax money into the state I live, I was in the drug store to buy cigarettes. As I was about to pay for my "famous American cigarettes" the clerk asked me if I would like to donate $1.00 to the American Heart Foundation. As the words came out of her mouth I could sense discomfort in this poor clerk. She obviously could see the irony in her question. I declined and almost said, "No, I'll be giving at the office... the office of my cardiologist someday."

Just another example of life being just as strange as fantasy. I was then off with my "famous American cigarettes" to "wherever particular people congregate."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

General Querry

I now have a cat in my office, does anyone know where I can find some furniture for him-- a little leather executive roller chair and perhaps a nice credenza to go with the desk I've already got him?

Join the Righteous

Check out Landover Baptist Church. I'm thinking of joining.
It would be helpful if Erasmus could verify some quotes, too.
I slept through mass incidentally--I'll have to wait till next week to start advertising. Pious little old ladies drink and drive too you know. Its just that often you can't smell the alcohol over the perfume.

Why I am Mad at the Vikings

Because they lost.

Look at the post on smoking bans on this blog. If the Vikings had won, we wouldn't have smoking bans, we wouldn't have overpriced health care, we wouldn't sit in coffee shops and wonder what life was about, the red states would be virtually unpopulated, except along the Mississippi (which misses the larger point THERE WOULDN'T BE RED STATES), the blue states wouldn't exist either (who has time to blather about social policy and not do anything about it when there is pillaging to do?). Even if the red states existed, the blue states would get off their ass and invade them or vice-versa. There would be no atomic bomb or nuclear proliferation problems--who needs a cowardly bomb when you've got a sword, shield and axes--and who would be sober enough to invent it? English girls would be sexier if the the Danes had stayed longer (not to say they aren't, its just that the whole world would be sexier if the Danes, Sverds, and Norsemen had hung out a little longer rather than leaving a few bastards behind. Ireland woudn't be divided. The One-Hundred Years war wouldn't have happened. What could you do with a hundred years if you got it back? Pillage and drink more I guess. It would be perpetual war, the honorable, grisly kind that sounds so much better in songs than we might care to invent now (The Ballad of the Daisy Cutter, Ode to Napalm, the epic entitled Tales of a Tomahawk Cruise Missile). In the end there wouldn't be "nationalism" so you would have a real reason to fight-- you're village is too small to cheat on your wife and because everyone was too drunk to invent birth control, five of your twelve kids that lived need food. I admit, we would only live to 35, which means I would only have, like, seven more years to go, but then I wouldn't have spent the last seven years being a man of abstract ideals (they don't last long in sword fights or mead hall brawls) buried up to my ass in books, learning crap that ends up having to be worked out here in some bizarre form of self psychotherapy (that is what a blog boils down to isn't it--an extension of our self absorption, no matter how journalistic or other centered it is--the blog is rife with the ego (so I might as well have a big one.) We would be worshiping real gods, or at least really cool ones. Granted at some time the cult of Christianity and the Muslims would be a problem, but once you off them there is only Asia left, and really, they don't have religions, just philosophies (I know some of you want to quibble about Buddhism and Shinto being religions, but lets face it there isn't a religion unless there is at least one guy with a beard and Siddartha liked shaving), unless your Hindu, that's a cool religion. But then, we all would have been better off if we had just stuck with what we knew, the old gods-- you know, the ones that gave us fire and showed us how to hunt, told us what the stars were and how to sow grain, occasionally slept with their siblings, ate their children, plucked out their own their eye for a tree branch, stole rings of power or demanded a sacrifice or two. It all seems to make so much more sense. Think of Occam's razor--the simplest explanation is the correct one, and believe me one God dived into three isn't that simple. (incidentally, I think I am going to join a parish today, I heard the advertising in the bulletin is cheap).

Wow, that was one long paragraph. So anyway, you can't smoke because the Vikings lost. Why, because people like my nom de plume always win. That's right, Totalitarianism always wins over Anarchy. Disciplined troops always destroy beserkers. Order creates a marketplace--which makes money (which is a really fascinating fake invention, but that's another topic), which you can spend on better weapons to kill your enemies while encouraging your citizens to be sober, healthy, and efficient producers of products that make you more healthy so you can produce weapons longer. The Danes lost to the Saxons because Alfred got things organized a little, while the Danes were being well, Danes. The problem was that the kingdoms that beat the people like the Danes eventually started to implode a la the Roman Empire, so they decided to try something the Greeks tried called democracy to keep it all afloat, ergo the magna carta. It was a compromise that allowed for a facade of the old days when there was freedom. But lets face, it Marx was right--democracy was a stepping stone (I think he got democracy and capitalism confused really)--and that government necessarily would have to coalesce its power. We defeated the commies but lets face it we have a truly invasive government- from smoking to sex. And I am not just talking about the US. Fear not--there is hope on the horizon, all governments fail, all empires crumble and if you read Gibbon (which I haven't, I got this from a reliable source; and who has time for Gibbon, I need to make money to buy things, so that I can be taxed, so my government can occupy Iraq) were on our way. The only scary thing is, we might not just go back to living in thatch huts; this time when "Rome" is sacked it could be because of catastrophic climate change or thermo-nuclear holocaust.

If only the Vikings had won.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Why God Designed Monkeys

Monkeys were made to mock us. After all God is an angry God full of malevolence and humor. After all we were made in his image. Thus God must share our traits. So why isn't God evil like us--because we're sinners, and we choose to sin; why, because it is fun. God does not approve of fun; only jokes, and he is the only one allowed to laugh at them.

Monkeys were made to make us think we evolved from them. In fact, it is likely that it is the monkeys that will inherit the earth. Planet of the Apes was not a movie, it was prophecy. The monkeys will not evolve. Rather, God will go back into his species editor and make them look like men with prosthesis ape faces. After all, we all know God loves hair. Evil men become bald and are forced to wear fake hair to hide their sins. That was why Sinead O'Connor shaved her hair--there could be no greater apostasy. Martin Luther King was not balding--God hid his hair from us, hair which only true believers could see. This is a little known fact. In fact he has an afro in heaven, I have seen it in a vision. God loves hair, which is why Jesus and Peter and Paul had so much hair (Its a sin to shave your privy parts, you know), but he does not like red heads. Judas and Mary Magdaline were red heads, which is why Judas is in hell and Mary was erased from the historical record, and is probably in hell too for seducing his Son. We all know that The da Vinci Code is really the lost Gospel after all-- Dave Brown plagarized it from the hidden Dead Sea Scroll that the Pope had framed and put in his papal bedroom--which is why no-is one allowed in there.

But back to the monkey. Is it not truly the monkey that is blessed? Search your heart and you will see that it is true.

Absurd Men Speak



I have returned. The final member of the "Four." The profit of fecalism and miniaturization. The fates have lead me here, may the Gods preserve me. The Four have been sundered, now they have reunited in the constellation of the blogosphere. Like the Gods, they are imperfect, and estrangement and quarrel arise; yet providence brings them together to light an inferno in the bowels of the earth, to return luminosity to the universe, until the last star shall fade.

Dave is Humor
Erasmus is cynicism
Ross is Idealism
I am Arrogance