Friday, May 26, 2006

The Ballet Brigade

In further proof that Russia is slipping from its role as a military power they are planning to conscript male ballet dancers. Currently dancers get a deferment from mandatory military service, but in a sweeping reform of the Russian military that has been proposed this automatic exemption my go away.

I can see it now, these stealthy soldiers in ballet slippers striking fear into the hearts of the rebels in Chechnya. With a series of graceful moves they will put down this rebellion that has so long plagued Russia. Bullying is also a huge problem in the Russian military. I'm sure that those problems will cease as well once the ranks are filled with young male ballet dancers.

How I long for the days of the Tsar to return when soldiers soldiered and dancers danced.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The DaVinci Code

The big day is here... The DaVinci Code movie is finally in theatres, and boy is it getting kicked around by the critics. I'm not going to discuss the merits of the movie since I have not seen it, nor do I plan to see it. Have I read the book? Yes. Will people still be reading it in eighty years? No. Dan Brown is not exactly William Faulkner. The thing that amazes me is that people are actually falling for the thesis of the book just because it has enough historical names and dates in it.

To those who think that Jesus Christ had natural born children: Doesn't it seem that these descendents would have revealed this little piece of information by now? Think of the political office you could hold if you had divine blood coursing through your veins. This would make the divine right of kings seem like child's play.

Maybe it's time then that we just re-code the DaVinci code.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

We Were Poets Once Too

I just wanted to appraise you of the most intriguing new literary forms developed. They call it the "Sonnet." Here is one I love:

As pink as was a pig, and yet more softened
gentle than the swine's most coarse of hides.
I held the quiv'ring lump aloft
and gazed upon its beauty from all sides.
'Tis slimy like a slug--yet smooth as silk
As smooth as any fabric come to mind.
I would my mother'd fed me not her milk
but rather this of delicacies fine.
It radiates an air misunderstood--that
some perceive this foodstuff contraband
when really it embodies best in food.
Wait for economists to understand
it's got more worth than spice from far Siam.
You keep your gold and rubies--I'll choose SPAM.
--Rowan Lipkovits

From the good people at MIT:

How I wish for inspiration like this.

(syllable-Line errors mine as I had to reformat after cut and paste and am too lazy to check)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Domestic Spying

Why are certain politicians so fired up over domestic spying? It happens every day and one does not need CIA, NSA, FBI, or you pick the initials to do it. People talking on their cell phones in public places allow themselves to by spied on by whom ever is sitting near them. In an airport I once learned all about the recruiting being done for a college basketball team beacuase the scout was sitting behind me talking on his cell phone in a normal speaking voice. If everyone is so concerned about privacy then why don't they act like when in public places?

I don't have a cell phone, nor do I plan to get one. I won't be spied on! Of course I do use Google a lot, so they probably know more about me than my own mother. Woops.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Bear-ly an Issue

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company has done it again... They offended the hyper-sensitive.

Recently the company released a new teddy bear that appeared to be pregnant and wearing a shirt that read: "Bear-foot and pregnant." Some feminist group complained and Vermont Teddy Bear stopped making the bear. This comes around a year after the "Crazy for You Bear" which was marketed for Valentines Day was discontinued after NAMI lodged complaints. Incidentally both lines of bears sold out very quickly. My deduction... the majority finds nothing wrong with these teddy bears, but in a hyper-sensitive world what should we expect?

My absurd man solution is let's give them something to really be offended over. Here are some ideas for new teddy bears:

"Bearly Stalking You" Bear - comes complete with a Myspace account and a pair of binoculars.

"Bearly Drinking and Driving" Bear - this bear would have car keys in one paw and a bottle in the other.

Any other ideas out there?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Illegal Immigration: Solved

I won't give a huge exposition about illegal immigration. Everybody has an opinion and for the most part everyone's right. Whether you support amnesty, a wall, deportation, the bottom line is stricter security at the border, with better checks of vehicles through the crossing points.

To that may I suggest that Congress pass a proposal that I finished last night in my basement. It's cooler down there, that's the only reason I was down there.


Can we get off the basement thing? I should have never mentioned it. Anyway, what is needed to make checking all tractor trailers quick and easy is to require that all containers must be see through. Strong, durable plastics have been around since the space program began. There should be no excuse for why shipping companies can't switch to a Tupper Ware based delivery system.

Even if the illegals climb into the trucks, under that hot sun they'd bake, or at least go bad. And that's with burping the lid.

Cost too much to R & D, and implement? There are at least 3 states I can think of that don't need the Homeland security funding we sent them; Idaho, Wisconsin and Montana. Can you think of any more? I bet you can. To put that money to good use they could develop the new clear shipping materials, creating a whole new industry from which they could generate jobs and boost their economy. Now where will they get the workers?

Monday, May 01, 2006

The Most Disturbing Thing Ever

Recently someone posted a comment on an entry about Plattsburgh. They posted it without leaving a name which I think was wise. The disturbing thing about it was that the comment said our "mysterious Plattsburgh" entry was the tipping point for this person's decision to go to SUNY Plattsburgh.

I can't believe that any one could possibly use Absurd Men Speak to help make their most important choices in life. To that, may I suggest to our readers some wonderful life changing choices they can make right now.


We don't enjoy each other's smells any more and that simple fact alone is driving us all away from each other. All those chemical lotions, perfumes and cremes have stunted the human ability to connect by sent. Cleanliness is over-rated. As an experiment one of the new research staff here at AMS has stopped cleaning himself with great results. We're fairly sure that his suffering from Plague has everything to do with his love of rats and nothing more. Also, your clothes will last longer.


Reading leads to too many dangerous thoughts. With the myriad of printed works available man has come up with some very interesting and good things, but by and far the power to think is too unwieldy for any of us. Hell, even Hitler wrote a book, and don't get me started on Dr. Phil. Don't apply this suggestion to Absurd Men Speak.


For too long puppies have lorded cuteness over us. It's disruptive. That goes for any animal really. Don't think they wouldn't eat you if given the chance. Even bunnies, don't let their vegetarian diet fool you. Vicious.


See how many people will go out of their way to become your friend and listen to how eating animals is wrong and bad for the body to boot. Also, there are a lot of chicks in this club.

Immigrant Walk Out & The Feast of St. Joseph the Worker

It is most curious that this day of the immigrant work stoppage is also the Feast of St. Joseph the worker. One would think that of all days this would be the day to work. This Feast created by Pope Pius XII was originally placed on May 1st to counteract the Communists May Day observances.

So if you aren't at work today I hope you at least get to dance around the May pole, since now that the Communists are gone you don't even have a good parade to go to.