Some one here is an ass pony

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2664114

and

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2671823

The Perfect Solution

A lot has been said about how our military is under-supplied in Iraq. Many soldiers have gone into battle without proper equipment. As a result they suffer casualties needlessly. Congress has voted to spend the proper amounts of money to get our boys and girls the things they need, but it feels a lot like too little too late.

There was, of course, a better and faster way to get them this equipment. It is a solution that could have had everyone protected on the first day of the war. We should have sent New York City Street vendors in before we rolled into Baghdad.

Any one who has visited New York City on a nice day will have noticed the hundreds of Street vendors who sell sunglasses on the sidewalks. If that nice day suddenly turns to rain, the sunglasses quickly disappear and umbrellas come out for sale in their place. The speed of this switch has been studied by physicists around the world in the hopes that a grand unifying theory might be found, or at the very least a discovery of wormholes in Manhattan.

It is commonly believed that these individuals, "Urban Supply Experts" (USE's), are able to find necessary items and have the ability to distribute them cheaply and quickly. A small group of people will point out that the quality of their product is in question. Rest assured, the Rolex Flak Jacket is 100% Rolex Flak Jacket guts. Guaranteed. Besides even if the quality isn't top of the line, it'd be better quality than what Congress sent them in with.

A second concern may be brought up by nay sayers. What about USE's safety? This shouldn't bother any one at all. The insurgents have more to fear of the USE's than vice versa. Besides USE's are quite adept at counter espionage. At the first sign of trouble USE's rapidly disperse and disappear, camouflaged by their surroundings. They truly are the chameleons of the commerce world. USE's are also highly trained in negotiation. Those captured should be able to extricate themselves from their predicament by offering "before you can see it DVD's and bootleg CD's."

If this program is implemented perhaps it could be expanded in the future. It include early release of American prisoners who have a "knack for getting things." Who wouldn't like to see Morgan Freeman's character "Red" from Shawshank Redemption freed so he could help save lives in today's wars?

My friends, the situation is dire. The solution is in our hands. We just need courageous Representatives willing to use all of America's assets to save lives. Write to them today! Please do not mention The Absurd Men.

Making the Grade

So Newsweek came out with their top 1000 US High Schools list. By itself that's a great idea; find the best schools in the country, make a list and let the public see where those schools are. The downside of course is that the criteria for Best School seemed a little limited.

"Public schools are ranked according to a ratio devised by Jay Mathews: the number of Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate tests taken by all students at a school in 2004 divided by the number of graduating seniors."

I went to a Private School so my alma Mater was excluded out right. It would never make that list anyway. It only offered 4 advanced placement classes and not many students took them (we had 6 students in the Clalc 1 course).

We need a comprehensive list of great schools, public and private. I'd like to rank the best 1000 High Schools in the country too. My list will also use a seemingly ambiguous and arbitrary criteria. Simply put it will rank the schools according to how much fun it is. Fun will be determined by the ratio: number of students involved in suicide divided by the number of Water Slide rides taken by the school's student population.

So I encourage my old stomping ground, Seton Catholic Central, to bulk up on amusement park rides, cotton candy machines and games. The school has recently moved to a new building. It would be nice to see it spend some money to make the education experience more fun.

Perhaps they could outfit all the classrooms with strippers to help students answer questions correctly. The cafeteria could be outfitted with McDonald's and their wonderful playground. Gym class could be replaced with a pie eating contest. You get the idea.

Most of these things would end up paying for themselves. Everyone in the community could be invited to the school to enjoy the great new innovations in fun that Seton would be at the forefront of. This would be a tremendous benefit to the community. As we all know townies flock to carnivals. They would end up subsidizing the students, and who knows they may even pick up a little "book learnin" too.

If Seton is creative enough it could find itself close to the top of my Top 1000 schools list, maybe even #1.

Pray for us.

A Lovely Fantasy

I dream of one day finding and giving a wedgie to the guy who used to bully Bill O'Reilly. No one becomes as big a dick as O'Reilly without outside help. Whoever it was released this giant ass on us and deserves, at the very least, a keel hauling.

In the interest of fairness, someone please, find my bullies and give them wet willies.

A Few Words on Deep Throat

This story has calmed down a little bit after a week, which is fine by me. A majority of the stories that have come out about the Watergate informant have been focused on whether the guy was a hero or not. Everything I have read about it has overlooked what I consider the most important issue. For decades the words Deep Throat have appeared in high school text books, causing giddy laughter from countless students across this great nation.

Let us remember the real importance of the Great American Mystery. Deep Throat provided precious escape from boring history lessons, escape that will most likely wane and disappear as new textbooks are printed and given to our children. Will they be able to forgive us?