Friday, March 31, 2006

Brain a Seal With One Easy Swing!

Perhaps this is tasteless, but...

This is a great article. Its so barbaric it almost reminds us that we are animals too.

Where do I get a Hakapik?

When you think about it, where is the outcry about how we have been hitting each other with items like this for the last several millennium?

Can anyone say, Human Nature? Hitting things with with clubs is one of the first things our species learned to do and probably ensured our survival. Let's see you try to root out this pastime; good luck, peaceniks.

I wonder if a hakapik is illegal in my state? Looks good for home defense. I can't imagine a neat hole in the brain would be too difficult to clean up, at least compared to #4 shot from a 12 gauge.

I am so glad I don't live in Canada, where the only excuse for having a hakapik is because you are a cruel person.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Stanisław Lem Dies

I am sad to say he died on March 27. Its also sad to hear that the only movie reference in his MSNBC obit was Solaris (2002, by Steven Soderbergh)which was, while not terrible, can not compete with the 1972, by Andrei Tarkovsky, version (though even with this fine version Lem thought it was "Crime and Punishment" in space.) I am sure he will be overlooked and slighted by the rest of mainstream American media. They don't even realize that Dick, Lem, Vonnegut, Asimov, Heinlen, Huxley, and Orwell have in large part forged the world of today by describing our nightmares, nightmares destined to become true becuase we are too stupid to act.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Canadian Seal Hunt and Good Literature

The uproar over the seal hunt in Canada continues, but as I reflect on this one thought comes to mind... the next great masterpiece in literature.

You may recall that whale hunts at one time were big business producing all sorts of commerce especially lamp oil, but from that phenomenon of the 19th century came a novel of epic proportions, Moby Dick. Perhaps the seal hunt can do the same for our age. I picture now the great struggle between man and a huge seal. The terror of facing down the seal and using a club will be the fodder of academia for centuries to come. Perhaps it will be called Moby Stick.

I am most grateful that whale hunts existed because of the story it gave us, and if we are smart we will be grateful that seal hunts existed as well.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Research Team Liquidated

I am happy to announce that in an effort to prevent further infiltration of Absurd Men Speak by those who would see us properly suppressed, the Plattsburgh, New York research team has been liquidated. Resources from other continental US teams have been redeployed and financial resources re-allocated. Vetting of future applicants will continue to be of the strictest scrutiny and may the fate of the Plattsburgh GGR&S team be a reminder of the important and serious nature of our trade to those who dedicate their lives to lashing the rascals naked through the world.

Friday, March 24, 2006

The Great Canadian Seal Hunt

The annual season for hunting seals is about to begin in Canada. I find this interesting that such an event occurs since Canada constantly seems to lord their moral superiority over their neighbor to the south. You mean that peaceful and tolerant Canada actually sanctions the clubbing and harpooning of seals? You bet it does!

Of course a number of celebrities who are not Canadian are complaining. I say if everyone would just give it a try once I bet they would change their mind about seal hunting. I myself have never fired a harpoon, but I bet it is quite exhilarating. The hunt this year is expected to take longer due to ice surfaces breaking up earlier and scattering the seals (damn effects of global warming), but this may give novices a chance to get into seal hunting. Perhaps you didn't even know it existed? Now you do, so plan your trip. Spring break is coming up soon. Why go to Disney Land when you can go to Canada for a seal hunt?

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Adam Morrison: Sports Cheat

We've all seen the news pieces about Adam Morrison overcoming the odds to become the leading scorer in the NCAA. The feat is impressive until you find out that he's no better then Barry Bonds. That's right Adam Morrison uses performance enhancing drugs.

"Oh no," you cry, "he needs that insulin to live!" Boo who. With it he is a powerhouse that can't be contained. So what if it's life sustaining, it still enhances his performance.

Many don't remember but back in 1987 Barry Bonds could barely hold a bat let alone swing it. The team physician, citing severe weight deficiency, requested that he not be required to bunt. The very force of holding the bat to a high speed pitch would have rendered him to dust. Thanks to a great work out regimen and a healthy dose of "steroids" (quotations used to emphasize unknown combinations of chemicals) Bonds is a juggernaut that stands on the threshold of history.

What I contend is that if an * is placed on Bonds' records the same should be done for Adam Morrison. While no doubt is placed on either one of these athlete's raw abilities they share a need for drugs that allow them to continue at their highest levels. So what if Bonds doesn't need "steroids" to live. Does that also mean we should outlaw Lazik surgery for sports that require quick eye-hand coordination?

If we truly desired a level playing field for our athletes each team would have to have access to the same equipment, foods and practice conditions. Each player would be required to remove their shoes during play as well as any other specialized equipment.

If Morrison can get away with his "life sustaining" doping, each player should be able to choose his or her enhancement poison as well. Fair is fair after all.

Paid for by the Make Barry Bonds King of baseball campaign.

The Threat of Terrorist Monopolies

*caption for picture: part KKK, part French wine drinkers - ETA calls it quits.

The Basque separatist group, ETA, announced this week that it is ending its 45 year military struggle for independence from Spain. In a world in which is becoming increasingly more dangerous, we're told, due to the threat of terrorism (i.e. Al-Qaeda) there seems to be less and less terrorist organisations/movements around.

ETA's announcement is part of a larger trend, in Western society at least, of terrorists giving up the gun and being brought into the fold by the governments they once fought so bitterly against. In May of last year the IRA announced an end to it's armed struggle in Northern Ireland and then backed up its words by a show of decomissioning in front of international observers.

The Red Brigade in Italy is all but disbanded.

The Zapatistas in Mexico are bargining with President Vicente Fox.

The Sandanistas are old and fat, just like Castro.

Even Qadaffi sold out, going so far as to apologise for Libya's involvement in the Lockerbie bombings and other terrorist activities -like supplying the IRA with enough semtex to blow England far away from Ireland.

In the 60s, 70s and 80s it seemed like every country had it's terrorists/freedom fighters/whatever. Even in places you wouldn't associate with terrorism -like Canada. Yes, Canada was no exception. Anyone from in and around Quebec will remember the FLQ (Quebec Liberation Front). They firebombed cafés and restuarants (including seven McDonald's) because, among other things I'm sure, their use of Engligh names and advertising threatened the French language and culture. It was partly through their actions that Quebec has some of the toughest language laws in the world. Thank you FLQ.

If you ask me Al-Qaeda's to blame. Their monopoly on terrorism has ruined it for your avergage local terrorist group. They just couldn't be content with realistic goals and demands, like the US/Western withdrawal of the Middle East or Afghanistan. No, they had to go and turn it into a global war on the infedels...demanding our extinction. How does one even begin to bargin with that? The answer is you don't. All the aforementioned groups had realistic goals and objectives: give us independence/autonomy, Brits out, recognise our language/culture, stop culling baby seals...whatever.

The point is that now, with the likes of Al-Qaeda and the War on Terrorism, such groups have been compromised; co-opted into a belief system that is too powerful and coersive to resist. Let's be honest if you had to chose between a United Ireland and the salvation of Western/Christian civilisation what would it be? Yeah, fuck the tri-colour, bombs away, Hoss.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Spying on us?

In today's paranoia segment of Absurd Men Speak we discuss who is spying on us-real or imagined.

Rome Air Force Base Military Research Divison scans Absurd Men Speak. Check the sitemeter! Why do they care? I think they were interested in my post on bombarding space with our germs. Or maybe it was the facist thing. Or the inteligent design. Who knows.

Oh wait, there is a knock on my door...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

How My Grandfather Spent 1944-1945

Sorry, Nothing Absurd Here. Is everything absurd or nothing?

STALAG LUFT IV (Enlisted Airmen ) Location; Pin Point 54% N, by 16 % E on the globe. The camp is between Grosstychow, Pomerania and the railroad station of Kiefheide, 20 kilometers southeast of Bergard.
Description; Camp opened to Americans on may 12, 1944, this new camp was one quarter completed with capacity to house 6,400 pows, by January, 1945 there were 10,000+. These were wooden barracks and the ventilation system was insufficient.
Treatment; Poor
Food; Poor and Red Cross parcels supply were not adequate.
Clothing; Clothing supply is insufficient.
Health; Medical doctors were: Capt. W.E. McMee, Louisville, KY. 1st lt. Julian E. Boggess, Macon MS. Capt. H. J. Wysen, Youngstown, OH. Capt. Robert Pollock, England. Capt. Leslie Caplan, Detroit, MI. And very little medical supplies were oh hand.
Religion; The padres were Rev. Anthony Jackson, Isle of Guernsey. Rev. T. J. E. Lynch, England. Rev. Rex Morgan, South Wales, England.
Mail; Mail arrived irregularly and all mail came and went through Stalag Luft III, as Stalag Luft IV did not have a post office.
Work; NCOs are not required to work by the Geneva Convention, only to volunteer.
Camp Leaders; American man of confidence, Frances Paules, Landsdale PA. Lager A, Richard M. Chapman, Daytona Beach FL. Lager A, Willard C. Miller, Carencro, LA. Lager C, Frances Troy. Lager D, Frances Paules.
POWs; 606 British. 147 Canadians. 37 Australians. 22 New Zealanders. 8 South Africans. 1 Norwegian. 2 French. 58 Poles. 5 Czechs, and the balance were Americans.
General Info; The first 64 POWs arrived May 14, 1944 when Stalag Luft IV was officially opened and on July 18 and 19, 1944, and 2,400 Americans and 800 British arrived from the closing of Stalag Luft VI at Hydekrug in East Prussia.
Camp; Is placed in the center of a clearing of a pine forest. The camp is divided into 5 areas, compound or lager A-B-C-D and the vorlager, which housed the Germans personnel barracks and the infirmary, food, hospital, clothing and Red Cross parcel storerooms.
The POW area was dormitory type barracks, having 10 sleeping rooms with 16 POWs with two tiered bunks in each room, but instead had 24 POW's and three tiered bunks, and some of the men sleep on the floor. Each room had a small coal stove for heat, and was only used part of the day (mostly at evening before lights out.) Each barracks had a two hole latrine for 240 POW's to be used at night only, and each lager or compound has two open air latrines with two 20 holers back to back with urinals, and the stagnant pits were drained by the Russian POW's and spread on the fields outside the camp area. Each lager had two outside wells with pumps to provide drinking and washing water and the water was tested and showed to be potable, but there were no cases of typhoid or cholera. There were no facilities for bathing or delousing and there were parasites, fleas, lice, bedbugs were very common.
Food; Food was daily ration of bread (and the contents was 50% bruised rye grain ,20% sliced sugar beets, 20% tree flaur (sawdust) and 10% minced leaves or straw.) Some margarine, boiled potatoes and some soup mixture of potato, turnip, carrot, dehydrated sauerkraut, rutabaga, kohlrabi and some meat (mostly horse meat.)
The POW's received cooked barley and millet several times a week. Red Cross parcels were received once in a while and were divided between 4 to 6 POWs.
Medical; No dental facilities and the hospital had a little over 100 beds. There is one bathtub in the hospital and no bed sheets, no facilities for major surgery, no Xray, and sick call was 1030 to 1200 hours daily, and each lager had a make shift dispensary. July 17, 18, 19, and August 5 and 6, 1944., Americans and British were treated who had been bayoneted, clubbed and bitten by dogs, while they were forced to run from the railroad station to the camp, a distance of 3 kilometers (one POW who was bayoneted, his medical tag read "sun stroke", because he had been given a tetanus anti-toxin shot. No POW's died from this ordeal, but it was estimated that over 100 POW's were treated for wounds and dog bites, and one POW had over 60 wounds and dog bites.
General condition of POW's; The average weight loss was 15 to 20 pounds before the forced March in February 1945. POW's were locked up in their barracks from 4:00pm until the next morning 7:00am. Upper respiratory, tonsillitis, diarrhea, skin diseases, diphtheria, jaundice, tuberculosis, meningitis, hemorrhoids, arthritis and 15% to 20% with war wounds.
German personnel; Oberst Leutnant (Lt. Colonel) Aribert Bombach. Commandant-Hauptmann (Captain) Walter Pickhardt. Security Officer-Feldwebel (Sergeant) Reinhard Fahnert. In charge of POWs, also other guards were Big Stoop, Upsteen, Green Hornet, Squarehead, Cowboy, Smiley, Hollywood (one eye) and many others. The Germans ate the Red Cross parcels and the best of the food while the POWs were on extremely short rations.
Jan. 28,1945 a train load (mostly sick and wounded) were taken to Stalag Luft I at Barth, Germany and Feb. 2, 1945, another train load was taken to Nurenberg, Germany.
Final evacuation of Stalag Luft IV; The rest of the camp was walked out starting Feb.6-7-8, 1945 (their captors told them the march would last only three days and for most it lasted 3 months) as you could hear and see flashes of the Russian guns from the east. it was the coldest winter in Europe in that century. It was 15 degrees and 14 inches of snow on the ground and they walked northwest across Poland and through Swinmunde and into old Germany and across the northern part of Germany to almost Hamburg. Some rode train and some were put in camps along the way (Fallingbostel) and many died along the march. Many were never in a heated building after leaving Stalag Luft IV and they sleep in barns, beside the road, in forest, and never having their having their clothes off or having a bath. Many lost 1/3 of their body weight and some walked as much as 600 miles. Water (often contaminated) POW's drank from ditches beside the road or ate snow when available. The Germans provided very little food and the POW's have to scrounged their own meals and firewood to cook and often finding no more than a potato or kohlrabi to boil. Trading cigarettes or watches or whatever they had to trade with the farmers along the way. The POW's ate charcoal to help stop dysentery and every POW became infected with lice and pneumonia, diphtheria, pellagra, typhus, trench foot, tuberculosis and many other things ran rampant among the POW's. the Germans sometimes provided a wagon for the sick and when a wagon was not available and POW fell out along the road , then a German guard would drop back and later you would hear a shot and the guard would come back into formation alone. throughout the ordeal marchers hung together and helped each other. They developed a buddy system in which two or three sleep and ate together, and eventually, however, the long-awaited liberation came - in various ways. Some POW's escaped and hid out until they found an allied unit. The British and some by the Americans liberated others and some had the misfortune to be "liberated " by the Russians, which sometime meant additional days of confinement at soviet hands.
Finally, in the spring of 1945, the hideous march was over. From beginning to the end it spanned 65 to 86 days and estimated 600 miles, and many survivors went from 150 to 90 pounds and suffered injuries and illnesses that plagued them their entire lives. There is know way of knowing how many died on the march, though often overlooked by history, the death march across Poland and Germany ranks as one of the most outrageous cruelties ever committed against American fighting men. Fittingly, a memorial to these brave soldiers now stand on Polish ground where Stalag Luft IV once stood.


POW from 1/29/44-6/7/45

Friday, March 17, 2006


Wisdom from GLP

Rate this Thread
Absolute BS Crap Reasonable Nice Amazing
Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

Anonymous Coward User ID: 711203/17/2006 9:29 AMReport abusive post
Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?
What's your prefered biological weapon against ants? Spiders? AntKill2000?I prefer Febreeze. Kills 'em real fast and leaves your house smelling antimicrobial fresh.Spiders and I have a military treaty. They are allowed to conduct missions on my land if I am allowed to feed a larger one every now and again to the tree frog.But large scale warfare febreeze is the way to go.

Anonymous Coward User ID: 3513/17/2006 9:34 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?
HHUser ID: 34313/17/2006 9:36 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?Set up a treaty with the ants too. Allow them to oeprate albeit out of your sight and they won't encroach. Same with spiders.You leave them alone, they leave you alone.And don't forget, there are more of them than you.They can operate 24 hours a day.They breed faster (want an evolved hatred of yourself incorporated into their genes?).I wouldn't piss off ants if I were you......

Anonymous Coward User ID: 711203/17/2006 9:38 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

If I didn't see 'em it wouldn't be a problem. Febreeze also wipes out the scent trail they leave so more don't find their way back.If they'd stay in there little corners and clean up crumbs we'd be all good.

SlimUser ID: 44063/17/2006 9:39 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

I put garbage on some of the ant hills. They leave me alone.

Anonymous Coward User ID: 69333/17/2006 9:45 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

A pint of gasoline down the nest enterance works well. But not near buildings etc.

FoxLogic User ID: 786453/17/2006 9:51 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

When It comes to them sand hill ants, I get me a bag of Silvers and shove mini silvers down their holes and the big ones around the out side. I tie them all to one fuse and then blow them to god.

Anonymous CowardUser ID: 714983/17/2006 9:51 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?


malu User ID: 770723/17/2006 9:54 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?
we have winter here,,, ants are no biggie uncles on the other hand? they are a pain in the arse

skree User ID: 840163/17/2006 10:13 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

To keep them out -Around windowsills, etc..Did you know that ants won't cross a chalk line?They don't like cinnamon (but it's dangerous to dogs, I hear)Talcum powder or baking soda barrier.Powdered Borax in the lauundry aisle- Make a 50-50 mixture of Borax and powdered sugar. Pour it around their nest. Make sure they have a water supply. They'll eat the mixture and croak.Instant grits (has to be instant) sprinkled around their nest. Again, supply water. They eat the grits, the grits expand - splat.I've got more, but those ideas worked well for me last year.

Anonymous Coward User ID: 839623/17/2006 10:18 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

If you can find it, CitriCide. All natural, but very effective against lots of critters, including hornets, etc. Soak the ground all around a fire ant bed. So much for them!CitriCide has a website. You can order from there..

Anonymous Coward User ID: 751073/17/2006 10:19 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

If ants are coming into your home all you have to do is put down along the floor and window sills cream of tartar powder found in the baking section at your grocers. I have done this and it works, they will not cross the powder, and it is safe for your children and pets and enviroment.

Anonymous Coward User ID: 839623/17/2006 10:23 AM
Re: Ant biological warfare. What's your weapon?

Ooops! Not CitriCide. CedarCide.

I am sure this thread will continue for some time. See the absurd in every day life. Happy St. Patricks day everyone!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Rap Captioning

In an effort to bring the Hip-Hop generation into the realm of News it was recently suggested to me that News organizations implement Rap Captioning. Rap Captioning would be a supplement to Closed Captioning. Like Closed Captioning which transforms the spoken word into text for the hearing impaired, Rap Captioning would translate the news into a language which the youth population can understand.

This new form of captioning can be encoded and placed on a scan line much the same way as Closed Captioning is done. An option on each TV set can be selected forcing that line's information onto the screen. Not only will this be a great tool to get 13-24 year olds interested in the world, it will also employ hundreds of young, fresh talent who will be necessary to Rap Caption taped and live programming, in effect launching their careers.

It is easily a win-win situation. Not only that, it's success will usher in new forms of captioning bringing boring every day news to life for members of society who may feel left out. Toddler Captioning for the Sesame Street crowd, Trash Captioning for the trailer-park jet set, Sports Captioning for the jock, and even Mason Captioning for Charlie Manson. The horizon is limitless, unless you count the number of scan lines necessary to get a decent picture on you screen. But mostly limitless.

Absurd Men Speak would like to thank John Heneghan for his contribution to society.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Eschatological Scatology

Well, business is going well, and its time to catch up on the theater of the absurd. Tooling around the out internet superhighway I have started to discover what a strange world this really is.

People out there are fascinating. No, not you. I mean the people that inhabit the fringe. (AMS is really mainstream really). The ones who would not have a community if not for the web. The ones that would not have become what they are if it weren't for the influence of the web. These people can not be pigeon-holed. They evolve too fast and because of the rate at which information can be documented and absorbed is so high that there is no end to the permutations of imagination.

I do not believe I have ever learned so much diverse content in such a short time as I have in the past few weeks of monitoring and at times contributing to Is another good sight but it seems to lack the breadth of contributors, its more government conspiracy based. A vast majority of GLP's content is either a hoax or some person who is badly in need of medication. But it is also frequented by militia men, dilettante scientists, self proclaimed government operatives, paranoids, survivalists, time travelers, remote viewers (you'll have to look that one up for yourself), amateur astronomers, engineers, fans of Niccola Tesla or John Titor and a wealth of other seers, mystics, physics and clairvoyants. Its discussions range from the supernatural to the political. It is divided among liberals and conservatives and even from people beyond the U.S. Secret and not-so-secret machinations of government are discussed. What type of weapon and what strategies to deploy in guerilla warfare are mulled over (as well as gun-camera footage showing your chances). There is discussion on the Galactic Super Wave, pulsars, star gates, near earth orbit asteroids, geology, climate change, racism, religion, 9/11, the war in Iraq, the possible war in Iran, our alien progenitors the Annuki, supervocanos, Planet X (which may be a brown dwarf), the HAARP antenna, chemtrails (not just contrials, neophytes), the rapture, MKUltra (think Jacobs Ladder), Project Bluebird (similar), reptilian babies (the offspring of the ruling reptilian class), the Illuminati (which reminds me of Foucaults Pendulum by Ecco--I mean for those of you who got the joke at least), the moon Titan being a Death Star (I'm serious--and it is almost convincing, I am telling you it was one of the most provoking, scientifically dense and amusing sites I have ever been to). They love links, the best posters always cite their references and it can be breathtaking from an intellectual point of view and eye opening too. This isn't just tabloid stuff though. There is serious research and debate going on. With data, and charts (we all need charts!), and and sometimes reasonable conclusions. So often we must throw up our hands decide that debunking isn't getting anywhere and who knows maybe they are right. It is a site based on reason and faith. Many, in fact, are evangelicals with a penchant for seismology.

You can find links to the Mt. Augustine webcam, the USGS earthquake maps, the Iris worldwide earthquake map, Yellowstone National Park, space agencies and countless news sources that either are fake (and quite funny) or simply not part of our mega-corp media. We are talking real news sometimes, news that will never make it to your evening news. Part of the fun is trying to figure out what's a hoax. There are many people who are incredibly gullible.

The sight has sent me to Wikipedia so many times in search of a counter argument or simply to understand better. It in of itself it is a fringe-pop-culture encyclopedia of you never know what article you're going to read next; an encyclopedia-fringe-chaotic.

But the favorite past time is predicting the apocalypse. The current and most popular one is a nuclear strike on the west coast on March 11th predicted by a female escort and confidant of some unnamed head honcho. Two weeks ago a God event was going to transform us all. Many say we have until 2012 to fix things up or be doomed. Everyone thinks the scat is going to hit the fan. Its just who will correctly prophesize it.

Why are they so concerned with the end of the world? I think it is because our civilization has a strong suicidal undercurrent. Our civilization wants to die. We recognize our shortcomings and realize in this post-idealist time that the only way to fix earth is to have us leave it. Anyone who has felt a little excited as a natural disaster stalks down on us knows what I mean. Anyone who is fascinated by ruins knows what I mean. It is the end of philosophy and a religion of hope for earth (just watch all the End Times sermons on the bible thumper channels and the popularity of apocalyptic fiction). I am not sure what to make of it all. We live in a world that is in love with the end, no one wants to miss out on it and everyone wants to know when its commin'.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Suggestion for our Catchphrase

I was listening to "Fresh Air" on NPR today and she was interviewing the moderator of a Fox News media comentary show. He has recently written a book on the journalism of the fledgling U.S. He made a comment about The Wasp, a Hudson New York newspaper. I researched it and discovered that that Hudson, New York had more comericial shipping traffic than NYC in 1800. "The Wasp" was founded to be the Federalist counter of "The Bee," which was the Democrat-Republican response to the "Balance", which was really a Federalist newspaper. Its moniker, rather than "All the news thats fit to print," was: “To lash the Rascals naked through the world.” The first issue provided a misson statement:

"Wherever the Bee ranges, the Wasp will follow over the same. Without attempting to please his friends, the Wasp will only strive to displease, vex and torment his enemies . .. The Wasp has a dirty and disagreeable job to perform. He has undertaken the chastisement of a set of fellows who are entrenched in filth—who lay like swine wallowing in a puddle. He must therefore wade knee deep in smut before he can meet his enemies on their own ground.Wherever the Bee ranges, the Wasp will follow over the same. "

I like
"To lash the Rascals naked through the world."