Adam Morrison: Sports Cheat

We've all seen the news pieces about Adam Morrison overcoming the odds to become the leading scorer in the NCAA. The feat is impressive until you find out that he's no better then Barry Bonds. That's right Adam Morrison uses performance enhancing drugs.

"Oh no," you cry, "he needs that insulin to live!" Boo who. With it he is a powerhouse that can't be contained. So what if it's life sustaining, it still enhances his performance.

Many don't remember but back in 1987 Barry Bonds could barely hold a bat let alone swing it. The team physician, citing severe weight deficiency, requested that he not be required to bunt. The very force of holding the bat to a high speed pitch would have rendered him to dust. Thanks to a great work out regimen and a healthy dose of "steroids" (quotations used to emphasize unknown combinations of chemicals) Bonds is a juggernaut that stands on the threshold of history.

What I contend is that if an * is placed on Bonds' records the same should be done for Adam Morrison. While no doubt is placed on either one of these athlete's raw abilities they share a need for drugs that allow them to continue at their highest levels. So what if Bonds doesn't need "steroids" to live. Does that also mean we should outlaw Lazik surgery for sports that require quick eye-hand coordination?

If we truly desired a level playing field for our athletes each team would have to have access to the same equipment, foods and practice conditions. Each player would be required to remove their shoes during play as well as any other specialized equipment.

If Morrison can get away with his "life sustaining" doping, each player should be able to choose his or her enhancement poison as well. Fair is fair after all.



Paid for by the Make Barry Bonds King of baseball campaign.

Rap Captioning

In an effort to bring the Hip-Hop generation into the realm of News it was recently suggested to me that News organizations implement Rap Captioning. Rap Captioning would be a supplement to Closed Captioning. Like Closed Captioning which transforms the spoken word into text for the hearing impaired, Rap Captioning would translate the news into a language which the youth population can understand.

This new form of captioning can be encoded and placed on a scan line much the same way as Closed Captioning is done. An option on each TV set can be selected forcing that line's information onto the screen. Not only will this be a great tool to get 13-24 year olds interested in the world, it will also employ hundreds of young, fresh talent who will be necessary to Rap Caption taped and live programming, in effect launching their careers.

It is easily a win-win situation. Not only that, it's success will usher in new forms of captioning bringing boring every day news to life for members of society who may feel left out. Toddler Captioning for the Sesame Street crowd, Trash Captioning for the trailer-park jet set, Sports Captioning for the jock, and even Mason Captioning for Charlie Manson. The horizon is limitless, unless you count the number of scan lines necessary to get a decent picture on you screen. But mostly limitless.

Absurd Men Speak would like to thank John Heneghan for his contribution to society.