Surviving The Thousand Year Heat Wave

I've seen Al Gore's movie and it's frightening how far behind the eight ball we are. i also live in New york City and had to go through a week without power because the power lines were catching on fire. The unending heatwave is coming and citizens cannot count on their governement or big business to straighted out what we've all done. Rather than tuck our heads between our legs I offer this siple solution: Evolutionarily weatherize your children.

We don't have a lot of time. In the next 43 1/2 years the global tempreture will be much, much higher than it has ever been in the entire planet's history. I propose tha parents do everything they can to help their children prepare for the on coming weather onslaught.

For those in the Americas, Africa, and Eastern Asia this means finding out which couples children can survive extreme hot tempretures. many parents in the US have started by leaving their children in their automobiles while running quick errands. What they have found to our benefit is that their seed cannot live in 105 + degree tempretures. While many see this as tragic, I think this provides a great opportunity. By locking our children in vehicles in regions that will suffer the greatest from the heat, we can determine which bloodlines will continue to thrive as the temps increase.

For those in Europe and Western Asia and possibly northen Africa, you'll have you're work cut out for you. Unfortunately you have no idea what is coming. Or worse you could get both extremes of years of heat and then a quick thousand year ice age. As the ice caps melt they could stop the northern ocean cuerrents, stopping the recycling of hot and cold water, which would put you under a deep freeze. First you're have to determine who can live in extreme heat and then from those candidates, who can live in extreme cold. The plus side to the cold issue is that you have time to develop you heating technology (coats, fire, etc.) years before you'll need them. Cold can be survived by shelter. Heat, not so much-see section on cars.

Be creative, I'm sure there are many ways to find out what your child can and cannot stand. And if they should parish in this, see them as heros. Without there sacrifice we would be spending valuble resources on trying to keep them alive despite the inevitable.

Good luck and God bless our little soldiers.

Illegal Immigration: Solved

I won't give a huge exposition about illegal immigration. Everybody has an opinion and for the most part everyone's right. Whether you support amnesty, a wall, deportation, the bottom line is stricter security at the border, with better checks of vehicles through the crossing points.

To that may I suggest that Congress pass a proposal that I finished last night in my basement. It's cooler down there, that's the only reason I was down there.

Seriously.

Can we get off the basement thing? I should have never mentioned it. Anyway, what is needed to make checking all tractor trailers quick and easy is to require that all containers must be see through. Strong, durable plastics have been around since the space program began. There should be no excuse for why shipping companies can't switch to a Tupper Ware based delivery system.

Even if the illegals climb into the trucks, under that hot sun they'd bake, or at least go bad. And that's with burping the lid.

Cost too much to R & D, and implement? There are at least 3 states I can think of that don't need the Homeland security funding we sent them; Idaho, Wisconsin and Montana. Can you think of any more? I bet you can. To put that money to good use they could develop the new clear shipping materials, creating a whole new industry from which they could generate jobs and boost their economy. Now where will they get the workers?

The Most Disturbing Thing Ever

Recently someone posted a comment on an entry about Plattsburgh. They posted it without leaving a name which I think was wise. The disturbing thing about it was that the comment said our "mysterious Plattsburgh" entry was the tipping point for this person's decision to go to SUNY Plattsburgh.

I can't believe that any one could possibly use Absurd Men Speak to help make their most important choices in life. To that, may I suggest to our readers some wonderful life changing choices they can make right now.

STOP WASHING:

We don't enjoy each other's smells any more and that simple fact alone is driving us all away from each other. All those chemical lotions, perfumes and cremes have stunted the human ability to connect by sent. Cleanliness is over-rated. As an experiment one of the new research staff here at AMS has stopped cleaning himself with great results. We're fairly sure that his suffering from Plague has everything to do with his love of rats and nothing more. Also, your clothes will last longer.

STOP READING:

Reading leads to too many dangerous thoughts. With the myriad of printed works available man has come up with some very interesting and good things, but by and far the power to think is too unwieldy for any of us. Hell, even Hitler wrote a book, and don't get me started on Dr. Phil. Don't apply this suggestion to Absurd Men Speak.

KICK A PUPPY:

For too long puppies have lorded cuteness over us. It's disruptive. That goes for any animal really. Don't think they wouldn't eat you if given the chance. Even bunnies, don't let their vegetarian diet fool you. Vicious.

BECOME A VEGETARIAN:

See how many people will go out of their way to become your friend and listen to how eating animals is wrong and bad for the body to boot. Also, there are a lot of chicks in this club.

The Omen and Reginald Denny

So I was watching The Omen the other day and had a thought during the scene at the zoo. For those of you who don't remember Gregory Peck's wife brings the child for a fun day at the zoo. While they're driving through the Baboon pen the Baboons go nuts and attack their car.

The woman stops. Which is surprising, because the Baboons want them, want to kill that evil little kid. It's a natural response, one that I think the majority of us would have. Only a few people would continue to drive through.

Take the instance of Reginald Denny. During the LA riots, caused in part by the Rodney King beating, Denny was driving his truck minding his own business. A group of guys stood in front of his truck and in a move that caused some of comedy's best question and answer periods, Denny stopped. The group proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Why did he stop? He was in danger, but he was in a truck. You might think that if you were in danger you'd plow through it with your car. Yet even today people stop. Like Frank Jude who was beaten by off duty cops in Wisconsin. Movies made even today re-inforce the idea of stopping when in danger, like the remake of War of the Worlds.

On the flip side of this of course is the Tiananmen Square incident. The Chinese military had tanks up against that little thin guy. No contest. Armies seem to learn faster than the public.

Somewhere in us is a part that refuses to hurt other people and things even at the cost of our own safety. Unless of course those things happen to be Seals. Fuck those cute, fuzzy, wide-eyed fish lovers. Who can't resist the need to clobber them with a Hakapick. It's only natural. Like fox hunting with a pack of dogs.

Adam Morrison: Sports Cheat

We've all seen the news pieces about Adam Morrison overcoming the odds to become the leading scorer in the NCAA. The feat is impressive until you find out that he's no better then Barry Bonds. That's right Adam Morrison uses performance enhancing drugs.

"Oh no," you cry, "he needs that insulin to live!" Boo who. With it he is a powerhouse that can't be contained. So what if it's life sustaining, it still enhances his performance.

Many don't remember but back in 1987 Barry Bonds could barely hold a bat let alone swing it. The team physician, citing severe weight deficiency, requested that he not be required to bunt. The very force of holding the bat to a high speed pitch would have rendered him to dust. Thanks to a great work out regimen and a healthy dose of "steroids" (quotations used to emphasize unknown combinations of chemicals) Bonds is a juggernaut that stands on the threshold of history.

What I contend is that if an * is placed on Bonds' records the same should be done for Adam Morrison. While no doubt is placed on either one of these athlete's raw abilities they share a need for drugs that allow them to continue at their highest levels. So what if Bonds doesn't need "steroids" to live. Does that also mean we should outlaw Lazik surgery for sports that require quick eye-hand coordination?

If we truly desired a level playing field for our athletes each team would have to have access to the same equipment, foods and practice conditions. Each player would be required to remove their shoes during play as well as any other specialized equipment.

If Morrison can get away with his "life sustaining" doping, each player should be able to choose his or her enhancement poison as well. Fair is fair after all.



Paid for by the Make Barry Bonds King of baseball campaign.

Rap Captioning

In an effort to bring the Hip-Hop generation into the realm of News it was recently suggested to me that News organizations implement Rap Captioning. Rap Captioning would be a supplement to Closed Captioning. Like Closed Captioning which transforms the spoken word into text for the hearing impaired, Rap Captioning would translate the news into a language which the youth population can understand.

This new form of captioning can be encoded and placed on a scan line much the same way as Closed Captioning is done. An option on each TV set can be selected forcing that line's information onto the screen. Not only will this be a great tool to get 13-24 year olds interested in the world, it will also employ hundreds of young, fresh talent who will be necessary to Rap Caption taped and live programming, in effect launching their careers.

It is easily a win-win situation. Not only that, it's success will usher in new forms of captioning bringing boring every day news to life for members of society who may feel left out. Toddler Captioning for the Sesame Street crowd, Trash Captioning for the trailer-park jet set, Sports Captioning for the jock, and even Mason Captioning for Charlie Manson. The horizon is limitless, unless you count the number of scan lines necessary to get a decent picture on you screen. But mostly limitless.

Absurd Men Speak would like to thank John Heneghan for his contribution to society.

Ass-toot Blogger

I took some time off to re-evaluate may position on the web. I had to take some time to get some perspective after I got a little carried away with another blogger on his site.

To help generate interest in our site I would often visit random sites, make a comment and see how many people wanted to see what we were doing. Most of the time it worked out great. People even felt like leaving messages of their own.

Then I found Astute Blogger. It has a nice look to it, it's stream lined and the guy that runs it has a lot of opinions about a lot of things. He also does a fair amount of research. In a given day he might post several times. He also responds quickly to others comments.

He does have a right bend to his political views, which is fine. I did find some of his arguments a little absurd though. Absurd arguments are what I specialize in, and I have a soft spot in my heart for them. In fact I love to comment on them almost more than I like to come up with them.

So I threw in a couple comments about the wire tapping issue. As I've said, he replied quickly. Then he started posting things about attacking Iran. A few comments in and he suggested that attacking them with a handful of missiles would put them in their place.

I should have stopped there and let it go. Because he didn't site any sources I commented that his premise was ridiculous, unfounded and a little insulting. Then I gave a statement that was equally so by saying he masturbated while reading Guns and Ammo. I added that the statement was untrue and unfounded, but that was the idea. In blogs you can say anything as if it were true and if you don't preface it by saying it's a lie... well you get the idea.

He didn't post my comment which kind of hurt my pride. Not only was it a great example, in my opinion, it was really funny too. We went back and forth for a while. He said he didn't post my comment because it was insulting... granted. Of course then he insulted liberals and intellectuals, assuming I was either or both. I have never claimed those ideals, but it showed me where this guy was. People who disagreed with his ideas were obviously bitter enemies.

A quick aside, other commenters thought my comments were made by a fake liberal. I have no idea what that means.

I suggested that the blog be renamed "A Stooge Blogging: Providing a Smoke Screen of the Bush White House." He didn't post that comment either.

Then I took a step back and thought about it. The best name would be Ass-toot Blogger, sense his ideas were little more than butt gas let out over the vastness of the Web.

I realized at this point that all blogs could be named Ass-toot Blogger.

After emailing Erasmus it was agreed that I would sit out for a bit and cool off. Let other people fart a little on our blog before I got back in the game. The whole thing reinforced my Theory of the Absurd and gave me a new appreciation for why a lot of people never back down from their arguments. Then I farted.

If you're really interested in finding the exchange you can go here.

http://astuteblogger.blogspot.com/

I really don't remember the dates but it was some time in January.